PPD SUCKS!

Hello, and welcome back….

It seems talking about the very real shit going on in my life is pushing me to post more here.

I honestly don’t even have the energy to fake happy right now. Does anyone else feel this way? When you’re going through a hard time or depressed it’s hard enough to do regular normal tasks. Much less fake being happy and fine. I’m usually very honest about my feelings in general. I believe in being up front and not hiding. I used to hide my problems growing up because I was so embarrassed and scared. Now it’s like I’d rather just be honest, take it or leave it.

Sometimes I put on a happy face because I don’t want certain people to know I’m struggling. Ya know who I’m talking about, everybody knows someone like this. The kind of person who can just never be supportive, or they pretend to be to your face. Then they talk shit about your problems or weaknesses behind your back. As if we don’t all struggle. As if we don’t all know what it feels like to be talked about negatively. So with these people I tend to put on a bit of a protective layer and not let them know anything is wrong.

But usually, I’m up front about my feelings. Life is too short to be fake, or waste time on shitty friendships or people.

Speaking of life being short. I had my first suicidal thought last night. I haven’t had one of these since I was pregnant. What I struggled with emotionally while pregnant should have been a big sign “Hey. This means you’re probably going to get PPD!” But I shrugged it off as being emotional while pregnant, because I was alone, all the time.

If you know me personally you may know my husband works nights. This means that he sleeps during the day while I work, then he leaves for work so when I get off, he is gone. When he gets home late he gets on his game to play games with his friends. He works Saturdays, so we only get one day a week together on Sundays. So this leaves me physically alone basically all day everyday most days. Its very lonely. And it sucks. But I take what I can get because he uses to travel for work and would literally been gone for weeks at a time, be home for a day or two, then gone for another month to six weeks.

I’m a pretty independent person. I’ve gotten used to being alone because of my husband’s jobs. We have lived in states far away from my family. So I’ve become accustomed to living life alone. It usually doesn’t bother me.

But depression has a way of making the alone time you used to enjoy feel almost suffocating. Maybe that’s why I got my first suicidal thought in months? I have no explanation for it. Being a mother and getting a suicidal thought is so hard. I felt so guilty afterwards. It was just the same old thought that has taunted me my entire life. “Nobody would care if you were dead.” Immediately I thought of my daughter, then the crushing guilt of “How could I think that way?” How could I have tried for years for a baby, and then just leave her like that? I know it’s not my fault.

Depression has a way of putting these emotions, and thoughts onto you that you yourself don’t even believe. When you’re not in this state you can think more clearly and you know those are lies. But right now, they feel like ultimate truths.

I say I’m having a hard time right now because when I say I’m depressed it feels weird. Because I’m talking about it. Because I have these glimpses of hope that things are getting better. Because I have a good day or a good few hours. And suddenly I feel shameful for feeling depressed, and then the spiral starts all over again.

So today, I feel guilty for the suicidal thought. I feel extremely tired. My mind wouldn’t shut off until I cried myself to sleep. And then I woke up every two hours because of nonstop nightmares.

So this post is sort of turning into a big complaining session that I didn’t intend for it to be. I really don’t know why I’m sharing this on a public space other than to hopefully connect with someone else going through the same thing.

A good friend of mine, who I was talking to about being depressed told me that this is all new to cope with. Which made sense why my usual triggers and red flags are different this time. It was a bit eye opening. But also frustrating because I thought I knew myself well enough to keep this from happening again.

Update on the breastfeeding side of things: I’m in pain. It’s really painful. I’m massaging, and drinking jasmine tea, and pumping a little bit to help with the engorgement but it’s painful.

Maybe the increase in physical pain is why I’m struggling more mentally. When I did the update last night I was feeling better. But as the night went on, I couldn’t shut my brain off and I felt a regression mentally. This morning I am going through the motions. More ice packs to help with the pain.

I also want to note very loudly that what I am trying out to dry up my milk is NOT medical advice. Please talk to a doctor if you need help. Don’t take my advice, when I know nothing about what I’m doing, and blame me if you hurt yourself. This is not the space. I got enough to worry about. But this little disclaimer is assuming someone other than my mother is reading this blog. Highly unlikely.

Anyways, here is to hoping that as the day goes on, things will get better. Fingers crossed I will have a better update soon.

– Taylor