Hello,
I’m exhausted.
Today I feel like I’m dealing with a huge hormone shift. My head hurts. My body aches. My breasts are so sore. I’m nauseous. My joints are killing me. And I’m BURNING up. I didn’t get a chance to check my temperature. Ya know, between a full time job and taking care of my baby. But I had the AC turned down low, and I was in sweat pants, and a sports bra. And I was sweating. At my desk. Where I work.
No strenuous activity and I was super hot. Still feeling the effects from it now. I’ve been trying to hydrate, and I must be doing something right because I now have to pee every five minutes.
So physically I am going through it per the usual these days.
On the mental health front, I am on a rollercoaster. I feel better, good, tentatively hopeful, then boom I’m sinking right back. Teeter-tottering back and forth between hopeful and depressed. I’m not sure if I should be thankful for the false hope, or not. Because I have a good moment and then I just feel this pressure, this anxiety that nothing is fine. I have so much going on in my head right now. And this time of the year is the worst timing.
I am dreading the holidays. Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday, usually. My mom and I cook together, we have a good time. Work schedules are making it difficult and it looks like we won’t get that this year. Which is really bumming me out. I’m looking forward to seeing family but I am dreading the inquiry. I don’t want to have any conversations about breastfeeding or formula.
Family usually means best, but they can also be judgemental as hell. Some more than others of course. I feel like this year I will be doing a lot of keeping to myself. I’m even considering staying home and not going anywhere altogether. Sometimes that just seems easier…
I’m getting to the point in my life where I don’t feel anyone is owed an explanation. It’s not necessary to defend and explain my choices. But I still don’t want to do it. So I’m mentally trying to prepare myself with responses, or tricks to deal with any potential problem situations. I know that seems crazy. Like I am assuming the worst. I’m not.
I’m hoping for the best, but using my past experience to prepare myself. I may not have to use any of these emotional intelligence tips. I may not have to enforce any boundaries. It could totally be respectful and wonderful. But there is reality. And reality is that not everyone is respectful all the time. I’m sure we all deal with this with family.
On another mental health note I posted a couple things on social media about struggling with PPD, and it’s interesting. You never know what response you’ll get when you’re vulnerable even in the slightest on social media. What was interesting to me is certain people disappoint you.
Without even meaning to have that reaction, because there was no expectation. At least not that I realized at first. Some family, have out right ignored my mention of what I’m going through. I’ve always tried to be a big supporter of my family and friends. To have their back on multiple occasions. To be there for them to talk to. And during one of this biggest changes in my life some people have been absent. Interestingly enough people who seemed to be SO beyond excited when they found out we were pregnant. I was told this would happen by many people. But I didn’t believe it. So this feeling is weird. I’m hurt by it to be honest.
And I’m not one to ever mention it to that person because I don’t want anyone to feel like I have this expectation and I’m mad. I just notice the behavior, remember it, and I quietly move on and deal with my feelings personally.
I’ve just come to realize in my life that you can’t make people care about you. If they care, they will show it. If I reach out and get the one word responses, or no response at all, or some half-assed reply I stop trying. I will try multiple times and when it becomes clear it’s not mutual I take a step back.
Because you can’t force people to care. They do or they don’t, and that’s up to them. We don’t have a say in it. All we can do is be ourselves, and they make the choice.
But still, regardless of silently stepping back, and deciding to not continue to bug them, it still hurts. Because you think certain people will react a certain way, and it’s disappointing when they don’t give you the same care that you would give in a heartbeat. Or have given in the past. But not everyone has the same heart as you. And that is really hard to accept. Especially when you’re going through a hard time.
So that’s where I’m at today. Contemplating a lot of how I will move forward, and who gets to come with me. Thinking about the people who are present and showing up right now. Those that are trying to show they care. I definitely see them, and I hope they know when I say how much it means that I can’t possibly truly explain how much it does mean. This is one of the hardest times in my life.
I know it will get better. I know that in my head. I’m just waiting on my body to realize it too. For the weight to be lifted. But for now, everything is just really heavy.
I hope you’ve enjoyed my rambling tonight. Thanks for reading, and I’ll catch you on the next one.
– Taylor
Aimlessly On Point 