Hey there, welcome back to the mess.
If you read the title you know I’m having mixed feelings.
Hosting Thanksgiving with my family went really well. I liked hosting, and doing the cooking, and seeing family. It was cool to see my grandparents hold our baby, and spend time together.
On the other hand my anxiety is worsening and it’s not helping me since I’m already in a depressed state.
Ugh.
Just altogether blah feelings. I don’t feel great. I’m having good moments but I’m not feeling like I’m getting better. I thought I was, slowly, but I’m just not there yet.
I went for a run today with a friend and it was nice to get out of the house. Even though it was cold and drizzling! It was still a good time and I need to get back into the habit of running again. I felt great the last time I made it a priority. So I’m hoping it helps.
I’m having a ton of nightmares, and I’m super anxious, to the point where I feel on the edge of a break down or panic attack. So I’m in this weird “be calm so it doesn’t happen” mood, which is basically me just internalizing and trying to pretend I don’t have all these feelings.
My brain really sucks. Seriously.
So, as of the last couple of days, on the physical ending breastfeeding front, I feel better. I’m not in as much pain lately. Which is awesome. But now I’m leaking randomly through the day. If there’s the slightest pressure, I leak. If it’s cold, I leak. If the baby cries, I leak. When I was breastfeeding I only leaked if I hadn’t pumping in time, or maybe in the middle of the night. So this is new, and uncomfortable. But, there is hope because a lot of the other symptoms are going away. Which makes me feel like I’m at the end of this journey.
My baby is doing great on formula, so I’m feeling less guilt surrounding the change. She’s a happy healthy girl, which is all I can ask for.
Now I just need my brain to stop telling me all these negative thoughts, and hope the depression goes away soon.
The hardest part right now is dealing with negative criticisms, and comments from people who don’t have my best interest at heart. Normally they bother me, but I can let them slide or not dwell so much. But when I’m depressed these comments weirdly validate the depressive commentary going on in my head 24/7
I dont know how many of you reading this deal with it. I’ll try to explain…
Imagine, without any prompting, a thought suddenly pops into your head. Regardless of how good/bad your day is going. The thought is “you’re not good enough.”
So now that this thought is there, and with it this heavy dark feeling, that is similar to mind numbing exhaustion, if the exhaustion is related to a deep sadness. So now, that you have this thought and feeling happening that you have 0 control over. Someone is overly critical towards you about literally anything. It can be about how you folded towels today. And because of that criticism, your brain tells you “See, you knew you weren’t good enough. Nothing you do is right or ever going to be good enough.”
So my depression has this broken way of validating negativity.
I imagine its why so many people tell you “Be careful what you say to others, you have no idea what someone is going through.”
And its so true. You have no idea if your comments was the next negative validation that pushes them over the edge. God..its so hard, when you have this chemical imbalance in your body that makes you feel worthless.
My brain hates me right now. It’s ridiculous, and I’m fighting against it as best I can. I’m trying to remind myself that this feeling is temporary. Something I say to myself over and over is “Its just a bad day not a bad life.” Or a bad moment, or whatever it is. But reminding myself its temporary usually helps.
So I’m doing the best I can to get through this right now. The holidays are hard, because I’m not always surrounded by the best people for me. Not everyone is kind, or supportive. And it’s really hard. It’s playing big time into my anxiety, and I’m trying hard to not “turtle”, and go into my shell. It’s really easy sometimes for me to just get quiet and not respond because I’d rather not have the conflict. And this is a whole other post, but that’s due to a lot of the trauma I experienced growing up.
Thats definitely a topic for another time.
Thanks for reading. This has been weirdly personal, unusual, and hard for me to share. But I’m trying to be more open about my struggles. To try and normalize my human experience, because I know I’m not alone in this. Others deal with the same stuff everyday. I’m trying to have hope. I’m pushing forward for my daughter. Mostly for her, because honestly if it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I would even be making these posts today. It’s hard to push through when you feel last on everyone’s “lists” persay.
Until the next post…
Taylor
Aimlessly On Point 