Nanowrimo this year did not go quite as planned, or maybe it did?
I had a pretty good feeling that I was not going to make it to 50,000 words. I hoped, and thought maybe, just maybe I will get in some super long writing days. But it didn’t happen.
And that’s okay!!
I’m just proud of myself for getting some writing done. I need to give myself a little bit of grace here and not be too hard on myself. I’m going through a lot right now. Between my anxiety, depression, going back to work, and being a new Mom, I already have a lot on my plate. Writing is so important to me, I wanted to get back into it. The best way is to just do it!!
So getting the passion back, wanting to write, getting ideas for a new story, and new characters was exciting. I haven’t been inspired in a while. This new book is very dark, and tragic. So maybe that’s how I was able to feel more connected to these characters. Whether that is the true reason or not I’m appreciative that the drive is still there. Even if I’m battling through depression to feel it.
Writing has always been my go to. I think that’s why I’m so more active here on my blog. Writing is an out for me. It’s relaxing, and it’s a big destresser. I love it.
Being able to sink into a whole new world where you are in control is on another level. It’s so wonderful, and I love everything about it. It’s the one place I really feel like myself.
So I am going to make some new writing goals that are a bit more realistic. I think 10k/month is reasonable. I used to average 15-25k a month last year. So I’m going to try and write at least 10k a month, that’s only about 4-5 solid writing days a month. I can write about 1500-2500 words in a couple hours if I focus. 4-5 days gives me some time on the weekends.
So here is to try to incorporate writing back into my life a little bit at a time.
This post is also a mini life update. It’s weird doing these blog posts, because it almost seems like a journal honestly. But I’m posting it online, on my website for the potentially the world to see. Its a bit nerve wracking honestly because people can be so cruel. But it’s also cathartic in a way. It’s nice to cleanse some of this from my mind. But at the same time people can read into things, be so judgemental, and mean that I’m almost questioning myself for even posting these.
Then I think about how lonely I feel right now. And how someone else may feel the need to relate, even to a total stranger.
It may just be the depression talking. But I feel all alone. I mean I have a ton of friends online, but on a daily basis I don’t have anyone that will just drop by the house to check on me, or that I can hang out with consistently. And I completely understand that we are adults, we are all busy, and some really try, between texts, or Instagram dms, or Facebook messenger, or when we can get together in person. But I’m craving consistent support. That you get when you hang out with friends more often. Like when the girls I used to work with would go to the bar next door a few times a week, vent about work, laugh, and catchup. I loved that little aspect of my life that I used to have.
It’s like the friends we have in adulthood we hardly see so we focus on the “highlight reel”, when we actually do hang out, and then are left to deal with all the hard stuff alone, or internalized.
I hated a lot of high school. But it makes you miss the daily lunch hangout where you knew you could talk about anything and everything. I miss the consistency of friendship. Our adult lives, work, and kids makes that almost impossible.
I myself even have a hard time responding to messages sometimes because I’m so busy with the baby, or work, or some other obligation.
Just something that been on my mind lately. I have great friends, really, I do. They try to reach out, my cousin is great, they’re all wonderful. I just wish that more could be done in person versus social media. Distance and scheduling are the culprits. It’s disappointing that life is this way, I wish circumstances were different but what can you do?
On the emotional, personal front. My anxiety has been really really bad. I might have mentioned that in my last post. I’m not sleeping well, and I’m having constant nightmares. The nightmares just have my heart racing, and I wake up still feeling the effects. It’s exhausting to have such active vivid nightmares. It’s like you can’t actually rest. It’s making it hard to leave the house or get in a shower. I am basically all out of clean clothes because I haven’t been able to do laundry. My clothes are washing right now because I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost three days. Which is really gross, I know. But its like self care is just out the window right now.
Chores are an already constant thing that if I slack it gets built up. Perks of being the only one who does the cleaning. My husband does his own laundry, and we share responsibility with the baby. But picking things up, cooking, dishes, bathroom, bedroom, that basically all falls on me. You can tell if I’m not doing it because the house looks like a wreck. And that’s just it.
It’s weird to see things piling up, and needing to be done, and yet having no time or energy to get them done. I wish it was different but its just how things are right now.
I had an ocular aura migraine today. It left me partially blind in my right eye for about an hour. That’s hard while trying to take care of your baby. So I just held her, and tried to close my eyes to ease the blurring in my eye. Eventually it faded. When it happens it’s impossible to look at anything. Everything is shifting, blurry, bright spots, and rainbow lines. I can’t even look at my phone to read, write, or type. It really is a weird temporary blindness.
On another note, I’m starting a new job very soon. At the start of the new year. I’m looking forward to the change, even though I love my current job. But I think this change will be good for me in the future. I have a lot more to think about now, with having a baby. This will be good for us, I can feel it.
Seems like a good point to wrap this up on. This post was loaded full of thoughts, feelings, nostalgia, and mini updates. Things are still hard on the emotional front, but I’m just trying to get through each day. That’s all I can do at this point.
Taylor
Aimlessly On Point 