Big sigh…. here we go.
It has been a long time since I shared on this space. We have all heard that before. Especially if you’ve been a reader here in the past.
I recently picked up writing again. I started last November during NanoWriMo. My intention was to simply start writing. Something – ANYTHING!
I wanted to get back into it. Dive back into those fun unique worlds I created. And I hit a wall. I wrote about 11,000 words, felt defeated, and took another break. I felt drained creatively and emotionally. So I decided it was okay to take a break, try to focus on being proud of what I did accomplish, and refocus towards my mental health.
I will not lie post partum depression hit me hard. It wasn’t the type of post partum depression you see on TV where the mom stares off into space and doesn’t want to touch her child. For me, it was different. As I imagine it is for all moms who suffer from PPD. I was obsessed with my child, exhausted, and having extreme anxiety. I was terrified something would happen to her. I had a hard time accepting help. And honestly I did not get it personally. Sure, lots of people wanted to see the baby. But nobody really checked on me, or wanted to make sure I was okay. On the level of being a human being who just went through thirty-two hours of labor, was exhausted, in pain, and learning this all for the first time – I felt alone. I suffered a lot in silence because I was embarrassed to ask for help.
It took months before I reached out for help.
Now I’m in therapy. Something I honestly should’ve done a long time ago. Where my therapist told me I have PTSD from my childhood. It took a couple months for me to really accept that. I knew I had a bad childhood. I knew it did damage. But when I heard PTSD – I LAUGHED!
Soldiers who come home from a gruesome horrific war have PTSD. Why should I have PTSD when I didn’t go through something like that?
Well, mental health is complicated and complex. PTSD has a lot less to do with the specific trauma and more to do with our reaction to it. What gave me PTSD may look different for someone else. But for me, all the signs were there. I just didn’t know any better.
So now I’m doing worksheets, and working on healing from it. And it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
But its helping. I’m writing again. Finally!
I have to say – a big part of why I started this blog was to talk about mental health and being creative. They go hand in hand. I’ve said for years that it’s impossible to pour from an empty cup. But how does one fill their own cup? How can I stay on track?
A huge life event happened, that changed my world, and it has been amazing and difficult and, well, LIFE CHANGING! I love my daughter more than I could have ever thought possible. It’s so hard to explain until you experience it. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And with this amazing experience came hardship and struggles.
Everyone knows in theory that your life will change. And while that can be fantastic, there’s a lot we don’t talk about.
A lot of things affected my creativity. I no longer have the same schedule and all of my needs are set aside to take care of my little human. While I adore her, it calls for some life balancing acts! Everything looks different now than before. Navigating these changes hasn’t been easy. I wanted a baby for eight years, and struggled with infertility. My child is a huge blessing in my life. I don’t want to come off like that’s not what I mean. I have no resentment towards being a mother. I love it. However, becoming a mother for the first time, you make a shift. I think no matter how much you want a baby, the loss of independence will hit, and it’s a time to learn and grow and get used to this new normal. It can be hard in the beginning, and we are still learning all the time. Part of that is learning that it does not make me a bad mother to need time to myself, or to make myself a priority.
I’ve always put everyone else before myself. My family, my friends, my spouse, and now my child. And of course she should come first. But what my therapist is telling me, and what I’m finding is that it’s okay to take time for myself.
I am a mother. But I’m also Taylor. I’m also a writer. I’m an entire person with an entire identity outside of being a mother. And it’s okay if I have time to myself outside of being a mother, and wife. Sometimes that time has looked like waiting until she naps or is in bed for the night, then writing.
It’s not exact, and it’s messy, challenging and difficult but it’s better. It’s better than what it was before.
I’m not sure I am quite out of the woods of PPD, but I’m a lot better. And I’m working on it.
So if you are struggling, I want to encourage you to seek help. Reach out to a friend. Look for an affordable therapist. Get the help you need. Depression is treatable.
I always thought “my depression = my personal problem”. I thought of it as something I had to endure and figure out on my own. But it doesn’t have to be that way. And I say that with the complete knowledge that it is NOT easy!
It took me a couple months to convince myself it was even okay for me to do therapy and spend the time and money on it. Once I did pick a therapist and make an appointment it was terrible.
I did a tele-visit. Meaning we met through Skype. Some therapist have platforms they use for therapy so it can be done remotely. Anyways, the first therapist I saw I booked for an hour. I was paying $100 for the session. The first 10 minutes was figuring out technical difficulties. Fine, it happens, and it was the first time. Once we got it figured out she asked why I was doing therapy. I felt uneasy, and curious if she was trying to verify what I filled out on all the long forms.
One of my main issues aside from anxiety, depression, and PPD, were some relationships in my life that were/are toxic. I’m talking straight up bullying type behavior. She asked me to give an example, and I quickly told her about a couple experiences. During this time, she kept texting on her phone. My first thought was – she must be taking notes. Reasonable right? Then, I stopped talking while she was looking at her phone, again, and waited for her to look up. Several long minutes passed before she finally looked up. Then she asked me what I was doing to cause the bullying behavior.
I was baffled. She was blaming me for the events, during our first meeting. And I’m talking inexcusable behavior and she is victim shaming.
Let me add: When I fuck up – I own that shit. I also deal with severe people pleasing, and overthinking. I blame myself constantly for how other people treat me and try to rationalize it. Often resulting in blaming myself. I take the blame for things that are literally not my fault. So for her to do this was shocking.
I finally managed to speak trying to answer her question on why I thought they may have done the bullying. And she was back at it on her phone. So I stopped in the middle of a sentence and sat there. After another several long minutes pass, she sighs, and says let’s schedule the next appointment. I look at the clock and see it’s only 30 minutes in. After 10 minutes of technical difficulties and 20 minutes of talking (if it can be called that since most of it was me waiting for her to pay attention), she ends the session.
I BALLED MY EYES OUT!
This therapist made me feel like absolute shit. Someone I am literally paying to hear me talk couldn’t even be bothered to listen.
I talked it out with a friend, and she encouraged me to cancel that next appointment and find a new therapist. So I ending up finding one two weeks later, based off a recommendation, and it’s been much better. So give therapy a try, and keep going until you find the right fit. Therapist are just people. They may be trained and experienced in helping others but they are human too.
I dont know what that therapist might have been dealing with, and what she was projecting onto me. But she wasn’t a good fit for me. I needed someone who was able to sit in a space for me, and truly listen. To take me seriously. To maintain eye contact!!
All of that to say – I know how hard it is. I still struggle with showing up to sessions fully ready. I have that little voice nagging at me, but I am doing it. And I can confidently say it’s working. And I’m starting to look forward to it.
In the last month, I’ve written over 110,000 words. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I’m making plans. I am not at 100% but I’m feeling better. It’s a slow long process, but it’s working.
Preptober is here, and I’m going to commit to NanoWriMo this year. I am going to do it! I am going to give myself a challenge and something to look forward to that is just about me.
I hope to share that NanoWriMo journey here with y’all.
Until next time. (Hopefully not a year from now.)
Xoxo
Taylor
Aimlessly On Point 