I hate breastfeeding

Hey there and welcome back.

Oh gosh. I did not think I would be here. But I am.

I hate breastfeeding. I love being a mom, I love my child, and I do not like complaining about any of this. But I was not prepared for any of this. And nobody talks about it. So I figured I would.

I love that my body is nourishing my child, of course.

What I didn’t know while I was pregnant and looking forward to breast feeding was how exhausting it actually is. Physically and mentally.

I have to watch what I eat because it could hurt my babies tummy which is more sensitive than mine. I do it because I love her and don’t want her to be in pain or uncomfortable. But it means I can’t eat foods I love. Which sucks.

No alcohol. I know, it’s silly. I’m not even a big drinker anymore. But I love wine, and not being able to enjoy a drink after being pregnant for so long kind of sucks. I’ve had a bottle of wine I’ve been saving and it keeps staring at me like “so we’re waiting another year?” People say “oh you can pump and dump!” That would be great if I was producing enough to justify throwing away breast milk. Even if I was producing more, honestly, do you know how exhausting it is to make this. And you want me to throw it away?? Just not worth the drink I want.

I am starving constantly. I can never eat enough, and I don’t have the time to cook meals or make snacks. Cause ya know, I’m taking care of the house, working a full time job, and keeping a tiny human alive.

It fucking hurts.

I am three months and some days in and it hurts. I have not built up any kind of resistance. I don’t have nipples of steel. They are sore 24/7. The creams don’t help. The ice packs don’t help. The heated cloth pad things don’t help. Yes. I have made sure the pump is positioned correctly. It is. Pumping isn’t super painful, but it’s uncomfortable enough and bothersome enough to make my nipples hurt 24/7. I have to wear a bra constantly because the scraping against the softest nightgown I own is too much stimulation. And it hurts. Waking up in the middle of the night when you produce more than normal because there are hard lumps in your breast. You HAVE to massage them out or you could get mastitis which could lead to infections, and potential surgery for removal. (Yes, terrifying).

It is mentally exhausting and takes up so much mental space. Constantly counting how many hours it’s been since I last pumped. Counting the ounces in the fridge every time I open it. Then opening it again because I forgot as soon as I closed the refrigerator. Keeping up with how long it’s been since she ate so you can make sure there are enough ounces in the fridge for when she needs them next. Worrying you won’t have enough to get her through the night. Worrying when your supply suddenly drops. Then going through your entire day to try and figure out what you did wrong. Then realizing stressing over it can’t possibly be helping. So you drink one of those milk production drinks, but they violently upset your stomach. So do the cookies. So do the bars. So what options do you have left?

It’s impossible to leave the house for longer than 2 hours. There is so much planning in advance that goes into it. I can no longer up and go. And not even because of the baby. She’s great. Its the whole “pump before you leave”, and that takes 45 minutes. Then count out how many bottles you need. Think about when you need to be home to pump again. And think about when you need to feed the baby again. And will you have enough? And what if you get home later than planned and now the baby is hungry and you still have to pump and there is no readily available milk?

Feed from the breast? Sure. Yeah, if I hadn’t decided to exclusively pump, sure. Now when I try to feed straight from me she is screaming uncontrollably. She hates it.

Breastfeeding is so cool on so many levels. I love nourishing my baby. I love that it’s free (honestly cause it’s a factor). But it is making me HATE my own body. I’m struggling honestly. I’m struggling with the fact that I’ve hit a plateau with my weight loss. I heard breastfeeding makes you burn so many calories the weight will fall off. Not true. I am still 10lbs over my prepregnancy weight. I’m finding it hard to find motivation to workout, and it’s almost impossible to eat healthy when you don’t have time to cook the healthy meals you should be eating. So not only am I struggling with my body image, my body hurts, and I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. My bras don’t fit right. My breasts are too big. Constantly falling out of bras. I have no clue what my bra size is anymore. I’ve gone up so many sizes I don’t know what comes next! I hate wearing sports bras because they only push my breasts together in a blob of sweaty uni-boob action.

I am so uncomfortable and I hate it.

I hate that I’m considering giving up. I hate that I feel like a failure every time my supply drops. I hate that considering giving up breast feeding feels like I’m failing my daughter.

I keep thinking about my mental heth and what can be done. Where is the balance? Shouldn’t I be ok sacrificing just for this one year for my child? Is it worth it?

I really don’t know. I’m stuck.

I’m afraid that if I stop breast feeding for my body and mental health that I will not see a change in either and I will regret stopping. I’m also afraid that if I don’t and I keep pushing my body and mind like this that I will stay depressed.

I work so hard to not be in a depressed state. I have worked so hard to notice my little red flags of when I’m becoming depressed. I have been trying to fight it off so bad. And none of the usual tricks are working.

I am depressed. I am too poor for a therapist. I don’t believe in medicating my body. My house is a mess, and so disorganized that I know it’s contributing to everything. I am really struggling. I did everything I could during pregnancy to prevent post partum depression, but here I am.

I’m not sure what I hoped to accomplished by making this post. Maybe if anything I hope that someone who is going through the same thing sees it and knows they aren’t alone. Which is tough, because it sure as hell feels like it. I hope that you will come back, and I’ve found a solution that can help motivate you too. I hope I get through this. I wanted to have a baby for eight years. And now that she is here I did not think breastfeeding would go this way. I am surprised to say the least.

This post also wasn’t looking for advice. I have been given plenty of advice and honestly none of it helps. And the people who offer to just come do things for me have great intentions and mean well. But it just makes me feel like a failure because I’m having a hard time managing basic tasks. I also am the “does everything herself” type of person. So I don’t even know how to ask for help anyways.

I think I’ll end this post here. Sorry for it to be a drag, but that’s reality sometimes.

– Taylor